No Waiting

IMG_3233I’m not sure why I look forward to Spring so much every year, but I do.  I may love the beauty of a new snowfall, but by the time March winds down, I really don’t want to actually see a new snowfall anymore.  This time of year, all I want to see are lots of flowers, buds on trees, and the sun filtering through the bedroom blinds when I wake up in the morning.  I want the temperatures to warm up enough that I can pack away my heavy coats and bulky sweaters, and allow me to wear shoes that don’t necessarily require socks.  I want to be outside without the cold making my nose run and turning my finger tips white.

This year is no exception:  I am ready for Spring.  The problem is, I’m still waiting.  Because even though the calendar says Spring has arrived a while ago, the Winter weather is still hanging on.  Easter Sunday was yesterday, and even though the sun did shine briefly in the morning, the day ended with sleet and snow.  Which is still on the ground.  It’s beginning to feel as if the warm temperatures and pretty flowers I’m waiting for are never going to arrive.

I don’t know about you, but when something isn’t going my way, I tend to get impatient and anxious, and maybe just a teeny bit obsessive.  I begin to focus on whatever it is that’s bothering me, and worse, I begin to believe that as soon as that particular problem is solved, everything will be just fine.  At the moment, I’m blaming my cranky mood on the fact that it’s April 2 and there’s snow and ice on the ground, and that I still have to wear my ugly knee socks in order to keep warm.  I have almost convinced myself that if the weather would just warm up, I’d be a happy camper.

Which is, of course, just plain silly.  The weather will eventually warm up and that will be a very good thing.  But I know that even when it does, I’ll have something else I’ll be fretting about, because my life (just like everyone’s) will always have its share of stress and worry.  So what exactly is the point in my waiting for these cold and gloomy days to go away before I find a way to cheer up?

The older I get, the more I realize that my happiness has much more to do with my attitude than with my environment.   I think it’s time that I become more intentional about choosing to be happy, and looking for the things that can make me happy, right here and right now.  I know that a positive attitude can work wonders for people dealing with serious problems, so why can’t it work for someone who is just plain sick of Winter?

I think it’s time I put on my prettiest sweater and my warmest coat and went for a walk on this too-cold Spring day, just because I can.  And if I look for them, I bet I’ll even see some of those hardy Spring flowers blooming in the snow.

A Firm Foundation

DSC01527When I first started this blog, I had no real idea what blogging was all about.  I just knew that I wanted the chance to write about coping with the stage of life that we call middle age, and I wanted to do it in a format that allowed me the freedom to write exactly what I wanted to write, when I wanted to write it.  I was tired of the assigned subjects and deadlines that came with freelance writing, and I was especially tired of having so many of my fiction manuscripts returned to me with a rejection letter attached.  Blogging seemed to be a perfect way to write without having to deal with other people’s expectations, and I thought I had found a perfect creative outlet.

I told myself at the beginning that I wasn’t going to care if my blog was particularly successful or not, because I wasn’t planning to try to make money from it, and I thought that making money was only real reason to try to attract huge numbers of readers.  Honestly, I knew there was a very real chance that I would have exactly six readers:  my husband, my two kids, my mother, and the two good friends who encouraged me to start this blog in the first place.  (Thank you, Jacque and Jeanie!)

But then I started publishing my posts, and I soon learned that it was actually very nice to see the number of “visitors” and “views” on my blog stats page grow beyond the six person mark.  I was thrilled when perfect strangers took the time to write a nice comment after a post, and touched when old friends reached out to tell me how much they identified with what I wrote.  I was surprised at how easy it was to make friends with other bloggers.  It wasn’t long before I found that I was beginning to care very much about how many people were reading my blog, and I began to pay attention to all those guides out there on “how to increase your blog’s audience.”

And that’s where the whole thing began to get complicated.  Wordpress is designed to make it easy for me to keep track of which of my blog posts are the most popular, and even when I ought to post them.  (I have the highest numbers on Sunday, at 5:00.)  Not surprisingly, my posts that had the broadest appeal also had the highest number of readers, and I found that including some photos also helped.  But the problem was, the more I became focused on raising my number of readers, the less I enjoyed actually writing the blog.

Self-awareness comes slowly to me, so it took me quite a while to figure out that the problem was I had wandered too far from my original purpose in writing this blog.  I had started out wanting to share my experiences of coping with middle age mostly with friends and family, and anyone else who happened to relate to what I had to say.  I had wanted to write without worrying about other people’s expectations, but instead, I had begun to focus on how “successful” a particular post would be.  When I got an idea for a blog post, I would immediately wonder whether that idea would be popular.  Then, if a post did very well, I just worried that my next post would not be as good.  And if a post didn’t do well, I felt as if I had, in some important but obscure way, failed.   Worrying about my numbers was sucking the joy right out of blogging.

So, it’s time for me to get back to the basics.  I want to enjoy writing this blog, and I want to write it for the people who actually enjoy reading it.  And while there may be times when I’d like to be able to say that number is in the thousands, the truth is that I have only 144 followers.  Like all writers, I do want people to read what I am writing.  But I also want my writing to be meaningful, honest, and always the best that I can produce.  Because that is my own, personal, definition of success.