Anticipation

/ Ann Coleman

One of my favorite Christmas memories is picking out each year’s Christmas tree with my father.  We would go to a local tree lot, where he would find several trees that he thought would do nicely.  I, on the other hand, was in search of the perfect tree, and I didn’t believe it was a decision that could be rushed.  I inspected dozens of trees, often asking the assistants to hold them so I could step back and see them from every angle.  Sometimes we visited more than one lot, because none of the trees in the first lot were quite good enough.  And I have a vivid memory of him standing in the freezing drizzle, his crew cut  spiking from ice, holding a tree and saying, “I really think this one is good enough, don’t you?”  There was something in his tone that made me realize disagreement wasn’t an option.

These days, my husband I put up two Christmas trees.  The artificial one goes up in our living room the day after Thanksgiving, and the real one goes in our basement family room in early December.  When we were first married, my poor husband was dragged along from tree lot to tree lot as I searched for a tree that was exactly right.  One year we actually returned a live tree because we didn’t like the way it looked in our living room when we got it home.  From the look on the face of the woman who ran the tree lot, I’m pretty sure we’re the first customers who ever did that.

I think the reason I tried so hard to find the perfect tree was simply that I really love the Christmas season.  I love the decorating, the shopping, the baking and the gatherings.  Because I loved the holiday so much, I wanted everything about it to be perfect, starting with the tree.  But the truth is, no matter how hard I tried, I never…not even once….celebrated a perfect Christmas.  I’ve had some very nice Christmases, but never a perfect one.

And all these years later, I’ve finally realized that’s okay.  I’ve figured out I can still enjoy the holiday season, even with a tree that’s too short or too skimpy, with cookies that don’t look a thing like the picture in the recipe book, and even when a holiday gathering I’d looked forward to is cancelled.  Christmas can be quite nice even if my allergies are acting up and the dog decides to eat the gingerbread house I spent two hours decorating.

My very favorite church service of the entire year is the Christmas Eve candlelight service, but in 2020, no church was open. But that year my sister sent me a link to an online “service” her church had created and I loved it.  Turns out, watching “Silent Night” sung by candlelight is almost as good as being there.  And the year my entire family came down with a cold on Christmas Day wasn’t the disappointment I thought it would be.  We slept in, then gathered around the tree to open presents.  It was a subdued celebration, and we went through an entire box of tissues that morning, but it was still special.

So yes, I’m looking forward to Christmas this year, but no, I’m not expecting it to be perfect.  I know gift receipts will be lost, someone in the family will get sick, schedules will have to be reshuffled, and tempers will frayed.  But through all the messiness of real life, the joy of Christmas will still be there…..and that’s good enough for me.

82 thoughts on “Anticipation”

  1. To me, every Christmas is perfect! True that there are disasters and disappointments but the Christmas season is always just right. Your Christmas memories still shine and I bet the memories made each year are held close to your heart!!

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    • That’s the best way to look at it! Every Christmas celebration is perfect in its own way, and should be appreciated as such. We just have to look for those magical moments, I think (which only happen when we stop worrying about how the tree looks, you know?) It’s weird how long it took me to figure that out!

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  2. Even your Christmas memories of searching for the perfect year are beautiful, Ann. I’m sure your father appreciated your enthusiasm, even as he ran out of patience!
    Wishing you a wonderful holiday season!

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  3. I’ve also enjoyed some pretty good ones but never a ‘perfect’ one … I think ‘perfect’ might just be my unrealistic expectations! Life unfolds as it should and all those little hiccups make it even more memorable 🙂

    Have a good one Ann and Finn!

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    • You’re so right, Kate! If we think of perfection as everything going just right, that will never happen. But as another reader pointed out, every Christmas really can be perfect in its own, unique way. I guess it’s just a matter of how we look at it!

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  4. I have lots of lovely memories of Christmas, as both a child and a parent, though I don’t know if any of them could be described as “perfect”. I think perfection is simply in enjoying the moment, wherever we are, and whoever we’ve with. Wishing you and yours a wonderful and peaceful season Ann. ❤️🙏

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    • Yes, Miriam! As usual, you’ve hit the nail on the head. Perfection comes in those small moments of true happiness, whatever happens to cause them. I hope you and/or family have a great holiday season too!

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  5. I had a similar Dad. We didn’t go to different lots, but the tree had to be perfect. I don’t even want to discuss tinsel! He was really into it and it had to be just so. I had Thanksgiving and Christmas in the same week this year. I had the kids for Thanksgiving and they are going to the in-laws for Christmas. Done.

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    • I think our fathers might have been related! Mine was also into tinsel (which I still sort of like) and his rule was firm: one strand on each and every little branch. No more, no less. It took a VERY long time to get the tinsel on the tree. Hmmm…..now I’m beginning to see where I got my obsession with perfect Christmas trees!

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      • Oh my, our Dads were the same. One strand of tinsel at a time. Once when he left the room, we threw it on. It didn’t go well. I made my trees more child friendly with unbreakables at the bottom that could be touched and all my mangers could be played with.

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  6. Cheers to your Christmas spirit. Christmas Eve with Christmas music in the background most of the day. I also love the candlelight Christmas Eve service, but I especially like the drive to the service. A drive that seems peaceful while passing closed stores and empty parking lots. It’s a long evening for us because we are in the handbell choir that plays for two services. When I was a kid, the Christmas season was not official until I saw this commercial. Thankfully, YouTube allows me to see it every year! https://youtu.be/DlZNPjdzTrE … Cheers to you and yours for a wonderful holiday season.

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    • Oh, my gosh thank you for that!!! We must be about the same age because I had the same experience. That commercial of Santa riding on the Norelco razor usually aired very early in December. It was always the first Christmas commercial (businesses didn’t start advertising two months early back then) and it told me that Christmas was truly on its way. And yes, I love the drive to and from the Christmas eve service too. So many decorations, so little traffic and distractions…it’s the calm that we all need this time of year. I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas season too!

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  7. This is an excellent reminder for me to live in the present, and not try to recreate something from my past that in m memory was “perfect” when it never really was.

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  8. Excellent post Ann. We used to put real trees up, ever since I can recall. We even went to the forest to cut down a tree when our kids were young. Then, allergies got in the way and we had a succession of artificial trees. Christmas was still special, because our kids faces and the people around us made it that way. We are very lucky. Happy Tuesday. Allan

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    • I sometimes suffer from an allergic reaction to real Christmas trees too. My allergist told me I’m not actually allergic to the trees, but that some of them have mold growing on them, and I am very allergic to mold. That’s one of the reasons we put the real tree in the basement family room. I can enjoy it down there, but don’t have to be around it much if I find I react to it. And you’re right, it’s the people we spend time with that make Christmas so special!

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  9. Looking back now on expectations of Christmas, or even other holidays or events in life, often does two things for me Ann. I realize what things are really not necessary to have fun, be happy and make memories. I also am quite thankful that I have embraced a much simpler outlook on my own celebrations!

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    • Yes, the less complicated we make the holidays, the more we enjoy them. It can be hard, because we’re so conditioned to do “more, more, more!” this time of year, and all that does is make us tired and crabby. BTW, can you provide a link to your blog in my comment section? I still don’t get the new posts and word press has changed things again…I used to be able to go to it if I clicked on your icon, but no more. Thanks!!

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  11. What a wonderful reflection on Christmas, Ann. I’m a little pagan in my beliefs & celebrate the coming of the light with the winter solstice. Living where there’s a snowy, dark winter, Christmas provides a distraction with the anticipation and preparation. As a youngster, the magic of Christmas never came fast enough. As an adult responsible for making the magic, it would come too fast. I’ve spent Christmas alone & with a house full, each situation with it’s advantages & disadvantages. Christmas is becoming more low key as the grandkids get older. It’s the spirit of the season that I strive to hang on to.

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    • I know what you mean. When I was a kid, I never understood why people said Christmas is almost here on, say, December 10. I mean, Christmas as still two weeks away! That was forever when I was a kid. Now I get twitchy if I haven’t started shopping the day after Thanksgiving….. But however we look at it or celebrate it, Christmas can be special if we just look for the spirit under all the commercialism, and appreciate being with our loved ones, whenever that happens. Thanks for your insightful comment!

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  12. During all the years we have lived here at the Arrow Lakes, we never bought a Christmas tree. We always go to the nearby BC Hydro power lines, where we choose our fir tree from among the thousands that grow there. I guess that is one advantage of not living in a city.

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    • I think that sounds wonderful, Peter!!! I think it is one of the advantages of living where you do. The trees I like best are always shipped here from Canada, so they aren’t nearly as fresh as the ones you cut down yourself.

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    • I think one of the most important things is to recognize that we like to celebrate the holidays in different ways. For some, that means going all out with decorations, gatherings, etc. For others, it means just continuing their normal habits, but enjoying what others do. And it’s all good: we each get to react to the holidays the way that feels the most natural to us!! Good for you for recognizing that you didn’t like all the frenzy that comes with Christmas and simply opting out!

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  14. I love the candlelight service at church also. We often go earlier these days so we can go to church with the grandchildren. You are right…there is no such thing as perfection. I believe there are perfect moments. We can’t always plan for them, but with an open mind and heart, unexpected joy may come our way!

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  15. “Rolling with the punches” sounds like a good way to approach the holidays, Ann. We’d like to be able to control everything, but that’s unrealistic. Perfection isn’t possible, try as we might! Somebody’s dog is sure to vomit, somebody’s child is sure to come down with the sneezes, somebody’s sure to “forget” an ingredient for dinner, and so on. When we relax and let the magic of the season envelop us, we can enjoy its meaning more.

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    • Your comment sums up (perfectly, ha!) just what I was trying to say! We enjoy the holidays so much more when we just relax and let them happen, rather than trying to create perfection. Thanks for this comment!!

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  16. I’m Jewish, so of course Christmas isn’t my holiday. But one of my favorite things, and my wife’s favorite things, is to drive through various neighborhoods at night, looking at the Christmas lights and displays on people’s properties. I never get tired of this.

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    • Yes, I love to drive around and see the lights in December. I really wish people would just leave them up through the end of January, as that is such a long, dark and dreary month that the lights would really come in handy, wouldn’t they? Thanks for your comment, Neil!!

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    • Yeah, I was amazed when she agreed to take it back! It was very expensive, and once we got it home, we thought, “What were we thinking? This tree isn’t worth what we paid for it!” I’m not sure if that makes us perfectionists or simply cheap….but either way, we were trend setters!

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  19. You remind me of our older daughter. We call her our Christmas nazi! No, it’s never perfect, but I also love everything leading up to and including Christmas Day. Even the smells! And of course the food.

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    • I was definitely the Christmas nazi in our family growing up, and in my marriage too in the early years. Thankfully, I’ve learned to loosen up and simply enjoy the holidays a bit more!

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  20. Your writing brought back some of my memories of helping pick out a tree. We didn’t have many choices so I was not as picky as you. And every ‘Christmas does not have to be perfect. Love and making memories are what is important. Enjoy your Christmas trees!

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    • Thank you! Luckily, I’ve learned not to be nearly so picky as I’ve aged. Last night, my husband and I went to one (count it, one) tree lot and picked out our tree for the basement. No, it’s not perfect, but yes, it is “good enough!” And we will truly enjoy it!

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  23. What a lovely post, Ann. I think your attitude is just…. perfect! I’m usually a Christmas grinch and can’t wait for the chaos to end, but I think this year, I’ll just relax and enjoy it for a change. Thanks so much for the kick in the pants and wonderful perspective. You started off my holiday season with a huge smile.

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  24. I like the way you detach from all the chaos that may arise during Christmas 🎄. It’s all about how we feel in our hearts 💕 that matters. It might not be perfect but we should be happy if we managed to celebrate no matter how small it looks like.

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  25. Very good perspective! I was feeling sad 3 years ago when we moved, and the kids were on their own, and I knew we would never have our family Christmas celebration on Christmas morning the same way we had done for their entire life. Since then I have realized it is OK and I have moved on from having those expectations and it is all good, whoever we are with and however it works out each year.

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    • I think the first year that things are really different is the hardest. After that, we realize that “different” can be special in its own way and we come to appreciate the new ways of celebrating Christmas or any other holiday. That’s actually kind of liberating, which is a good thing!

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  26. Ann, I really enjoyed your past and present experiences of Christmas with your father when you were young and how you now celebrate the holiday as an adult with your own family. I can just picture you searching for the perfect tree. I think I’ve only ever had a real tree once, but it dropped all its needles very quickly. I don’t think we watered it enough! As a child, we had a small two-foot-six-tall silver and white tree on a table in the living room. I have happy memories of decorating it with my three sisters. When we were clearing out Mum’s house after we lost her, we came across all the original decorations, still in the original box from back then. My sister took some, but I don’t have room for a tree, and if I did, I should imagine Peanut would be up at the top like a shot, sitting there, pretending to be the fairy (that would make a good story/poem!) I’m so glad you get to spend the holiday with some of your family.

    I find Christmas a bit difficult because I miss my Mum to talk to on the day itself, as we were more often than not on our own and too far apart to travel to. We spent hours on the phone discussing Christmas dinner and what was on TV and having lots of laughs and giggles. I lost Mum on the 30th of December, six years ago now. It sort of takes the edge off the holiday for me, although I know Mum would want me to enjoy it. This year, I think my son and two small grandchildren will come after lunch for the afternoon to open their presents here. It will be lovely if they do.

    I also owe you an apology, Ann. I was clicking on your kind comment on my most recent poem this morning when my internet lost signal for a few seconds. When it recovered, your comment had completely disappeared. I searched my inbox, WP spam and trash in case it had gone there by mistake, but no, nothing anywhere. So, I did read it, and thank you; I just couldn’t reply to it. It will forever remain a mystery!

    I wish you and your family a very happy holiday season. X 🌲

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    • I remember those silver trees! They were very popular when I was a child, and my grandmother had one in her living room. I’m so sorry about your mother…I knew you had lost her, but didn’t realize it was during December. I think when we have a profound loss around the holiday season, then that holiday is always a reminder of your loss and it’s hard to feel like celebrating when you are also grieving. I do hope your son and grandchildren are able to come to your house on Christmas afternoon. That would be so special!
      You owe me no apology at all! Technology is tricky, and I never worry if I don’t get a reply to a comment on someone’s blog. Sometimes, it takes me a couple of days to notice a comment on mine (I swear I didn’t get a notice, which I’m supposed to), or I’ll find one in my spam folder from someone who regularly comments. Trust me, all of us in the Word Press community understand how that goes!
      Wishing you the best during this holiday season,
      Ann

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  27. It is true Ann that nothing is perfect no matter how hard we try to make it. We can only live in the moment and try to enjoy all the events and people that we have in our lives. And hopefully make happy memories.

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  30. Ann, this post has come at just the right time for me for a number of reasons.

    No matter what you say about your tree-choosing rituals, past and present, I just love the care you devote to getting the perfect tree. It embodies so much of the Ann I’ve come to know: careful, meticulous, so aware of how important memories of trees and Christmases are…it’s telling me it’s time to hurry and get work and studies out of the way to devote time to making memories.

    I’m glad you were honest about Christmas never being as perfect as it wish. It’s made me reflect that all the blights that find a way to the 25ths of Dec each year just make our Christmases a little bit like what it might have been for Joseph and Mary. Joy and awe mingled with tiredness, some frustrations, maybe even some sadness or fears. Maybe the blemishes on our celebrations is God’s way of helping us see that Christmas isn’t about perfection but more about us finding beauty and perhaps something to laugh about in all the things that don’t quite work out as planned.

    Ann, thanks for this post. You’re right – Christmas might fall on the other side of our expectations, but in the end, Christmas will always be greater than all the little things which can pockmark the day.

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    • Thank so much for letting me know my post spoke to you, Caitlynne! You have no idea how much I appreciate it when your comments let me know you really understood what I was trying to say in my post. Thank you for your sweet comment. And I completely agree that it makes sense for us to learn to enjoy Christmas, and to see the true meaning of it, among all the mess. Because the first Christmas was certainly didn’t occur in perfect circumstances, and that’s part of the story and the meaning of it. The gift of Christmas comes in the midst of the mess, and it transforms it into something that is perfect in a way that our world or our lives will never be. And it doesn’t really get any better than that!

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  31. You remind us all to relax and just enjoy the beauty of the trees, the music, the gift giving and the sweets without stressing. Over years I’ve had to learn to reduce stress for my physical (and emotional) health and it’s made holidays so much more enjoyable. My guy and I went out today to buy a tree (pricier than ever, so you want to pick a good one!). I’m kind of like Charlie Brown – an imperfect tree will look beautiful with some lights, ornaments, and love. My guy is an engineer, so it takes what seems like hours for him to pick the “right” tree. Today it was 33 degrees with high winds – gusts even. But we’ve been together long enough that I just nod at each one he shows me, wait, nod and then rejoice when he’s finally picked the “right” one.

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    • It sounds as if you’ve learned exactly what matters to him and are willing to indulge in it. That’s love! And you know, as a young person, I did understand that my dad’s patience with me (usually, but I don’t blame him for running short on patience when his hair was literally turning into icicles) was a form of love too. And that’s what makes the season so special…it’s not how the tree looks or how many parties we throw, it’s recognizing that love and being grateful for it. So simple, but dang, it took me a long time to figure that out!

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  32. Life is never perfect, though often good, so I guess we shouldn’t expect any Christmas to be. A great reminder to monitor our expectations and simply enjoy the moments. Happy holiday season, Ann. I wish you many more joyful moments. 😊🎄

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  33. While I not a big fan of Christmas like you, I do enjoy the positivity it can bring into our lives. That, of course, means letting go of perfection which you sound like you’re doing brilliantly. If you get to go to the Christmas Eve candlelight service, may it be all you want & more.

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  34. I do miss having a real tree. It’s been so long. Love the scent floating through the air coming from the branches. And, I am the same way about a Christmas Eve candlelight service. It just MAKES my holiday. Enjoy your Christmasing. God’s grip – Alan

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  35. I’ve had a few Christmases that, from the outside, might seem as imperfect as possible. In fact, the most imperfect was a horror at the time, and it’s a story that I’ll never tell online. On the other hand, there’s a truth that becomes more obvious as I grow older: the worst experiences often make for the best stories — even if a little time has to pass before the retelling!

    Another thing I’ve learned is that the traditions, decorations, and food don’t necesssarily create the best Christmas experiences. One of the best Christmases I remember came when I was alone in England, staying at an inn. On Christmas morning, I woke up to find an orange and a candy cane outside my door. That came close to perfection!

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    • Yes! That’s exactly the kind of moment that is truly perfect. And you’re right, it isn’t really the traditions that are so much, or memorable. Sometimes it’s when things go terribly wrong that we create the best memories. Sort of like the time I had a big Christmas party for my shelter friends, and as I was saying goodby to the guests at the door I turned around and saw our dog, Lucy, standing on the dining room table, calmly finishing off the cheese ball. That was years ago, and we still talk about it! (One year we even had a pool where people could guess how long Lucy waited before she made a play for the food……)

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