Opting Out

/ Ann Coleman

Sometime it’s hard not to be discouraged.  I think that two-plus years of dealing with Covid-19 has left most of us a bit drained, and often operating on our last nerve.  It doesn’t take much these days to provoke an angry reaction, and patience is often in short supply.  While things have certainly improved from the pre-vaccine days, we haven’t managed to return to the normal life we long for.

I still feel nervous when I walk into a crowded room, have a love/hate relationship with face masks, and worry every time I have a sore throat that I’m coming down with Covid.  (I have seasonal allergies, so a sore throat and a runny nose are normal for me at least four months of the year.)  I hate going to my doctor, because he still refuses to see any patient that has Covid symptoms, and almost all symptoms could be Covid.  And, as petty as it sounds, I’m tired of watching my favorite restaurants close down because they can’t get enough staff and/or supplies.

All of which is to say that these days, I’m not always my usual, mostly-cheerful self.  I’m much more thin-skinned, and quick to feel offended or hurt.  I still have good days, but there are too many times when I can best be described as crabby.  And I’ve decided that I really, really, don’t want crabby to become my new normal.

It’s easy to be cheerful when things are going well, and easy to be touchy and rude when they aren’t.  It’s easy to respond to rudeness with anger, and to lash out when someone directs a snide remark my way.  It’s tempting to engage in an on-line argument when someone posts a particularly obnoxious or inaccurate meme, in the hopes of “setting them straight.”  In other words, the opportunities to be nasty to other people are almost limitless.

But, as I said, that’s not the person I want to be.  And so I’m making the deliberate decision to “opt out” of the whole mess, as much as possible.  Because I really don’t need to respond to someone looking for an argument, or react when someone says or writes something that hurts my feelings.  I know there will be times when I’m tempted to give “tit for tat,” as the saying goes, but I hope that I’ll be strong enough to know that by doing so I’m only making a bad situation worse.  Sometimes, silence really is golden.

I’ll try to remember the the person whose words or actions bother me is probably also operating on his or her last nerve, and may not even mean to cause offense.  I’ll try to act the way I want someone to respond when I inadvertently offend them, by giving the benefit of the doubt.  Mostly, I’ll try to remember that, while I can’t control other people’s words and actions, I most certainly can control my own.  And that these days, it’s more important than ever to try to be my very best self.

84 thoughts on “Opting Out”

  1. We are all feeling drained and on edge about this issue. All we can do is take what precautions we feel comfortable with and allow others to do the same, provided they do not cross into our comfort zone. It does not always work, but we all need to try. I recently had a very pleasant conversation with my sister on her birthday. We stayed away from sex/religion/politics and Covid and concentrated on our commonalities. A year ago, we could not have done this. Progress is only possible through understanding that everyone has something going one and a little sympathy and understanding can only help. Stay well Ann and opt out of confrontation, but not conversation. Allan

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    • Yes, I think it is absolutely possible to interact with those we disagree with in a cordial and civil way, if we just try. I’m glad you were able to do that with your sister. And trust me, I’ll always be willing to talk to other people! I’m just not willing to be drawn into pointless confrontations that drag us all down. Sometimes I’ll think, “really? you said that?” but I don’t actually say (or write) it. Because there’s no point…it just increases the divisions. I think it is far better to focus on what unites us, rather than what divides us. Thanks for the comment!

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  2. You make great points Ann, and I would also add the frustration and general malaise with a number of other social issues happening around the world right now. It doesn’t seem that we get any respite between each crisis or from the various factions that stir the pot.

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    • Yes, there are a lot of things to be worried about and angry about right now, and goodness knows the media and politicians are doing their best to fan the flames, because that works for them. But it doesn’t work for most of us, and that’s why I choose to “opt out.” My goal in life is to find common ground and understanding, and not to be afraid of people who are different. I honestly think that is the way we will move toward a better future! All we can do is try…..

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  3. When Covid appeared we did what we always do…isolate. My husband’s illness means that any ‘flu type bug can set it off so we closed the gates and waited it out…except that governments went wild with control measures for something that – with exceptions – proved only to be mortal for a small percentage of the population. We have lived through various worldwide pandemics without the measures that governments were taking – trashing the economy, throwing people out of work – and without the vaccines that so suddenly appeared on the scene.
    I would not dream of upsetting anyone who felt that the precautions authorised by governments were necessary, and, given my husband’s health problems, would not wish to compromise their views on their well being, but am all too aware that peoples’ nerve endings are very sensitive and so, like you, avoid controversy, recognise that people are on edge and do not respond where otherwise I might be jumping in.

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    • Yes, when you have a loved one who is compromised, you absolutely have to isolate! (My husband got his cancer diagnosis in June 2020, so I can relate. Although our main fear was the Covid restrictions would mean he couldn’t get treatment, which did happen to some people.) And I agree, we have had pandemics before but never before have governments just shut down the whole world because of them. And it’s gong to take a long time to recover from that. In the US, we’re still having a huge labor shortage and a supply chain issue. But as you said, it’s an emotional issue and we have to be careful not to tread on the toes of those who look at it differently. I love how you are just honestly stating your opinions and yet not disparaging those who don’t share them! I wish more people would be like that…the world would be a better place!

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  4. Ann I hear and understand your position. As for me I refuse to allow others to dictate my response. Instead I ignore, deflect, or just smile and walk away. I truly believe that no one can “make me mad” I have to choose to be angry. Only I have the power to choose my response.

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    • That is exactly where I’m trying to be! I have my opinions…don’t we all….but I’m not so egocentric as to think that I’m always right and that I have the right to attack those who feel differently. The truth is, if we can be brave enough to actually listen to those who are different, it can enrich our lives. At the very least, it’s a lesson in tolerance. Good for you for realizing that getting angry is our choice, not something others can provoke in us!

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  5. “Mostly, I’ll try to remember that, while I can’t control other people’s words and actions, I most certainly can control my own. And that these days, it’s more important than ever to try to be my very best self.” — perfectly said. Good essay, Ann.

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  6. I related so much to what you wrote, Ann. I went to an outdoor concert for the first time in two years. Although I enjoyed it, I was stressed to be in such a crowd – the shuttle bus to get to the entrance was packed. I am still not feeling “normal,” and was one of the very few people wearing a mask.
    I had a beautiful dinner with family indoors last night. I felt vulnerable, as I was quite aware of all the precautions I didn’t follow. For me, the word isn’t cranky – as much as I feel sad. I want to relax and not worry about the virus anymore!

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    • I know! It can be so hard, because the virus is still with us, and probably always will be. We’ve learned to manage it better now, but it’s hard to just stop worrying about something that has practically ruled our lives for months. I think that is a major cause of stress for so many of us, and being stressed just makes it harder to cope with all the other issues that the world throws at us. I do think we’ll get there, though, one step at a time. Meanwhile, I’m learning to recognize that stress is present, and to be careful not to let it dictate how I react to other (also stressed) people. Because that just makes things worse for all of us. Thanks for the comment, Judy!

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  7. I like your words, opt out. Me, too. It takes so much energy to try to communicate with someone who just wants to be right. Reminds me of a Wayne Dyer saying- “You can be right or you can be kind.” I think sometimes being kind in those kind of situations, is being kind to ourselves for not partaking.

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  8. Ann, opting out is such a good idea. It frees the mind to deal with what is most important. I am definitely not myself. My mouth is more impulsive than normal. I try taking a few breaths. My strategy is to spend more time with people that I enjoy hanging out with and this is helping me to re-socialise (much like our pets). I think of it as exercising my social skills. 🙂

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    • I think few of us are really ourselves these days, as the stress of the past two years is really taking its toll. It leaves us less able to cope with life’s daily issues, much less the larger ones faced by our whole world. Acknowledging that stress is the first step, I think, and then coming up with a coping strategy (as you did) helps us to manage it and at least take the first steps towards a more normal, enjoyable life! Hang in there, Tracy, and thanks for the comment!

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  9. The last two years has seen so much division in this world. I’d like to think we’ve got to a stage and learnt that regardless of our thoughts and opinions on the whole pandemic thing that ultimately we all want the same things, love, respect and the ability to get on with our lives. The government and media has had us living in fear for too long. And each person responds differently. There’s no right or wrong because ultimately we all have our own truth. And whilst we can’t control others opinions we can always control our own reactions. My sister and I, though having hugely different opinions on many big subjects, have maintained a loving and respectful relationship. But, like anything worth doing, it takes effort. Take care Ann.

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    • You’re so right about the fear and even hate being encouraged these days! It takes effort to resist it, because no good ever comes out of living in fear and hating others. And I agree that while we each have our own reality (comes from our unique perspectives of the world), ultimately we do all want the same things, the love, respect and freedom to live our lives that you mentioned. If we could just focus on that, the universal human experience, it would go a long way toward helping us realize just how much we all have in common. And the world would be a much more peaceful place, wouldn’t it? I’m so glad you and your sister recognize how important it is to work towards getting along…and are enjoying the benefits of that! You are so wise, my friend!

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  10. What I think I may never recover from is the cruelty that Covid has unleashed, not to mention loss in so many forms. It’s not just death; it’s also as you observed – loss of jobs, and compassion, courage, civility, respect for one another. My heart aches that you have a doctor, the profession that heals, refusing to see you if you have Covid. What has the world come to?
    But more importantly – what have we done to ourselves?

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    • I agree! Covid brought out the best in us in small ways, but it seems to me it brought out the worst in us in so many more, and bigger, ways. It made us afraid of each other, contemptuous of those who reacted to the pandemic differently than we did, and unleashed our “inner bullies” in far too many cases. Governments used it to extend their power, and individuals used it as an excuse to ignore the laws and the common good. It just hurt us on so many levels! And yeah, I’m still in awe (and not in a good way) of a doctor who found a way not to have to deal with sick patients……

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  11. Great to know that someone else feels like opt out is best! I did that pre-COVID on all social media like FB. Some of my veterans groups that were constantly pushing issues I didn’t agree with. Even recently I had two WP discussions that I thought were civil enough until the person “turn” ugly and so opted out immediately! I have come to far in my life to “let” someone else dictate to me their view of the World is the only view of the World. It is very isolating sometimes because if you keep doing that finally it works yourself into a tiny box or a house. But… recently went to a function and caught COVID! So… maybe isolating forever is a better idea…
    Stay safe Ann and we are all here to support.🤫

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    • I’m so sorry you caught Covid, and hope that it is a mild case! I honestly think that everyone is going to catch it sooner or later, unfortunately. The good news is that we have learned to manage it so much better, and I hope that is the case for you. I know what you mean about what we think is a discussion suddenly morphing into a confrontation. These days, if you even hint that you disagree with someone, they often come at you with “both barrels.” It’s beyond discouraging. If we can’t talk about our differences in a civil and respectful manner, there is no hope for us! So I’m opting out of arguments, but will keep communicating with anyone and everyone who can do it without attacking.

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      • Amen to communication with confrontation!!

        Both barrels is an experience that is NOT pleasant and when someone tries to tell me what it is like in Europe when they don’t live here…we’ll…opt out! Quickly! Don’t engage! LOL Sometimes I just can’t help myself and then dope slap myself on the forehead when I get the result of confrontation. Duh!!!

        We had I guess mild COVID although it is still lingering three weeks after onset. I had it much worse than Hubby but… I can’t imagine how bad it could have been if I hadn’t the three vaccines! Nose was like a facet I couldn’t turn off! Wow… never had a cold that bad.
        We are on the mend so no worries.

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  12. You are so very wise! We cannot change the behavior of others, but we can control our response to that behavior. Striving at all times to be our best selves is a very good thing. We all make mistakes, and no one is perfect. Perfection is not the goal. We can show compassion to ourselves and others, understanding that stressful times impact us all. This was such a good post! Sometimes, I think to myself of late, “Do I just have less patience than I used to have?” The truth is, I have to work harder than ever at being patient! 🙂

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    • I don’t know about you, but I’m less patient and less resilient than I used to be. So that’s why I’m having to work harder at being my best self these days! And I love what you say about perfection not being the goal. Because we all will fall short some times…the key is to keep trying to be compassionate, patient and kind. That will be enough, I think, to turn the tide!

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  13. The difference between the world you (and some of your readers) describe is so different from mine. I try to remember that, and not grow impatient with those who choose, or are forced, to live a different sort of life. Masking and testing have nearly disappeared here, and no one I know considers Covid when making plans. Of course, I’m not fond of huge crowds generally, so I’m not heading for a rock concert any time soon!

    Beyond that, I’ve not been ill at any time during the pandemic, and neither have any of my friends or work colleagues, apart from one friend who tested positive, and was symptom free in three days. I suppose that skews my view of things, but I’m absolutely convinced that my refusal to participate in the wave of fear that was caused as much by the media and bureaucrats as by the actual disease is part of what helped keep me healthy: both physically and mentally. That’s the same kind of opting out you’re talking about, and it’s a very good practice.

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    • I think you are absolutely right that by ignoring the fear-mongering, you have managed to avoid most illnesses, including Covid! Personally, I never bought into the whole “the world is coming to an end” scenario that was pushed, especially in the early days. But with a husband fighting cancer, a 92-year old mother, and young (unvaccinated) grandchildren, I did fear getting the disease because I didn’t want to spread it to them. And finding out that I couldn’t count on my doctor for in-person care if I did get sick didn’t help!
      But on the whole, I do think that those who feared the pandemic the most are also the ones who were most damaged by it, sadly. And I think I’m realizing now that, although I thought I was resisting that fear, I absorbed more of it than I thought…..

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  16. Your husband having cancer treatment during COVID had to be extremely stressful and an extra burden of trying to stay safe. I find most angry people are upset with their own life and the anger has bubbled over. We are homebodies, so COVID wasn’t too bad for us. I now feel that life has become normal again, but I am certainly keeping up with my vaccinations.

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    • Yes, cancer during Covid was extra stressful for sure. Thank goodness we had good doctors who did all they could to reassure us, that helped so much. And I agree that most people who are angry are really unhappy about their own lives, and simply haven’t learned not to take that anger out on others. Sometimes, all they really need is a sympathetic ear, but when they lash out at people, they don’t get that. It’s a vicious cycle! And I’m like you…living as normally as I can, but also taking sensible precautions. Getting my second booster tomorrow!

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  17. I’m with you about opting out. Now that COVID is mostly under control, I’m perplexed when deciding about how to opt back in. Many of the activities and events that I enjoyed pre-COVID don’t hold the same charm. I’m into a reassessment!

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    • I think the forced change in our lives does cause reassessment. I’m finding new things I enjoy now, and I’m also realizing that some of the things and places I liked before aren’t as attractive. I think that’s okay, though, as long as we’re out there trying to enjoy ourselves. And thank you for the comment!

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  18. Ann, such a good reminder to be kind. I need to practise self-care to prevent myself from engaging prematurely and keep my mouth from working before my brain! I work at being responsible for my actions and words, believing that I am in control of my reactions & responses but truly, there are some people that I have difficulty being my best self when I’m in their presence. I remind myself that not every comment needs a response. I have made some progress with the smile and nod, like when I’m dealing with my mom who has dementia. I know a young man who died as a result of covid infection and can’t deny the seriousness and unpredictability of infections. Covid aside, every day can be a crap shoot. It’s kind of like having bears in the area – I’m not necessarily afraid but I am aware.

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    • I think the analogy of bears in the area is perfect! Yes, we need to fight living in a state of fear, but we also need to take sensible precautions. And that’s a good way to live anytime, I think, not just during a pandemic. I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your friend! And finally, I agree that “walking away” can be very difficult with some people. which is why it really is so important to take care of our own emotional health. If we’re feeling raw and vulnerable, then those little “digs” can really hurt and it’s hard not to respond! Thanks for your comment!

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  19. Well said. If I am annoyed about something someone said or did, I try to remember that there have plenty of times when something I did annoyed someone else, and how I felt bad about it at the time. So like you say, maybe the person we are currently annoyed at is having a bad day or otherwise realizes that they made a mistake in their behavior.

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    • Exactly! I believe that most of the time, the people who annoy us or hurt our feelings have no idea they’re making us feel that way. And even if they do, there’s not reason we have to engage. We really can just walk away from people who are trying to pick a fight. Thanks, Meg!

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  21. Thanks for a very self-examining post, Ann. Much like shoreacres our household decided early on we would not rely on fear to infiltrate our lives. We were compliant and respectful during the pandemic, but once freedom to choose slowly reinserted itself we always moved back in the direction of living the lives we had been, pre-pandemic. If establishments required masks we opted to go elsewhere, while never admonishing their rights to require them or those who wore them. I have always tried to practice a non-judgemental attitude, but have no problem standing committed to my own beliefs/opinions/choices. I think it comes from not “taking things personally.” Of course, not everyone understands these boundaries and I have been challenged to defend my stance, but that’s okay…I believe discussion is good as long it comes from a place of love. When THAT does not exist I always OPT OUT. 😉😊 Hugs to you for sharing from your own heart!🥰

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    • If only more people would do that: make the choices they feel are right, and respect other people’s right to do the same! I think one of the worst things I saw during the pandemic was people’s insistence on everyone else reacting exactly the same way they were reacting. And I like your comment about discussion being good as long as it comes from love. If someone is truly wanting to know what you believe and why, that’s wonderful. But if they’re attacking…walk away!! Thanks for your sweet comment!

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  22. I was commenting to my mom, the other day, that I’m turning into a cranky old lady, just don’t have patience with other people’s different POV (thinking in my head ‘Well, that’s just dumb & I won’t waste my time with them . Hmph!!’). So I put a little distance.
    And then I think that maybe this is a weird offshoot of Recovering. So much of the pressure’s off, I don’t have to try so hard to be ‘good.’ Best then to keep my mouth shut, opt out a little, & give myself a break.
    Self-care for the swing back to trust? Sure hope so!

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    • I do think that people are so tired and overwhelmed right now that it’s really hard to be patient with people we believe are behaving stupidly or saying things we really don’t believe are true. (And boy, do I see a lot of that on social media!) That’s where self care comes in: when we feel less stressed, it’s easier to tolerate others. But sometimes, there’s nothing wrong with putting a little distance……we’ve all been there. Thanks for your comment!

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  23. This is such a great post, Ann. I think you have hit on something that I am sure a whole lot of people are going through right now. Just yesterday I felt someone on the phone was a bit disrespectful and I started to say so…and then I saw the big red button and I hung up instead!!! I couldn’t believe I did that…neither could the person on the other end.
    It is strange times we live in, and I see people and feel that they are struggling with their emotions. Sometimes it is best when we say nothing at all…
    Hoping you have a lovely week that is filled with good feelings!!

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    • It’s just so hard to maintain our good humor theses days, isn’t it? People are stressed and scared, which can make them rude and disrespectful, which triggers a rude response, and things just keep getting worse. I really do think it take a very deliberate choice to opt out of all that negativity, and also to accept that there are times when we’re not going to be strong enough to do that. All we can do is try, and be as gentle with ourselves and others as we possibly can. I hope you have a wonderful week too, Lorrie!

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      • Thanks, Ann 😊 I think the last couple crazy years pulled back a curtain and exposed things that were always there…just hidden from plain sight. Knowing evil exists…and experiencing it first hand are two different animals. I’ve been trying to push it away and go back into my little Pollyanna bubble, and it actually works sometimes. 😊 But again, it is like that saying about two wolves who exist inside…and the one we feed wins.
        I may know of all that exists…but I prefer to think and surround myself with positive. And when I want to bark back on any given day that I may not be at my best, it tells me that MY energy has slipped and it’s time for a check.
        Sending all good things and peaceful feelings 😊💜

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  24. Well said, Ann. I’m embarrassed to say that I too have found myself complaining more and being more negative than my pre-covid self would have been. I’m going to take a page out of your book and try to be more conscious of this and put a more positive spin on my outlook. Thanks!

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    • Thanks, Nancy! And don’t be embarrassed…we’re all in the same boat. Life has been very tough lately, and our patience and tolerance is wearing thin. So we have to make the extra effort not to act on those negative feelings, and also realize that sometimes we’re going to fall short. The important thing is to keep trying, I think. Thanks for your comment…it’s good to hear from you!

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  25. We quit thinking about Covid this past January. We left the restrictions in Canada, drove to Arizona and embraced the maskless freedom we found there. Of course, we also got Covid, but it was relatively mild all considering. I suppose that puts us at one end of the ‘unconcerned about Covid’ scale but fortunately the path we took to get to that place helps us have compassion for the many, many people who have not been able to put Covid behind them.

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    • Yes, I totally understand all the different ways of looking at Covid, and usually they’re directly related to people’s personal experience with it. When I’m talking about opting out, I’m really talking about opting out of the anger and impatience that the pandemic has encouraged, not facing Covid itself. I don’t want to let my reaction to living in these conditions for so long change my basic personality. Although, like you, I’m definitely putting less and less focus on Covid these days, I have no problem with people who are still (often not by choice) still making it a main focus.

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  26. I’m not one to rant so I don’t take people online too seriously. Especially when they show you who they really are with their hostile opinions. I walk/scroll on by. It’s easy to do that, politely, and serves me well as I don’t need or want to know anything more about them. Life is too short for such relationships.

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    • That’s a good point! When we meet someone in person, they are usually on their best behavior, and sometimes we think of them as friends, or potential friends. Only later do we see how they treat those who disagree with them, or who are vulnerable. But on-line, we see it right away and can just move on. Thanks, Ally!

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  27. Sometimes I think we’re stuck in a pandemic of meanness, Anne. We can’t necessarily opt out of Covid, but we can certainly opt out of the pettiness and cruelty seeming to plague our nation and world. Your post was an excellent reminder that it’s simply a matter of choice. Hugs.

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  30. Very wise advice, sadly I’ve met with some verbal abuse and non-cooperation! Fortunately once I escaped WA that subsided … I could drive away but it saddens me that some live in that state indefinitely. It’s exhausting to say the least … three cheers for kind care!

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    • Yes, me too, which sort of triggered this post. I’ve been dismayed at how easily some people insult my country, my religion, my beliefs, etc….. I would never to that to someone else! But I also realized it was bothering me more than it should have, so I realized it was time for an attitude adjustment. I can’t change others, but I want to be tolerant, patient and kind. So I have to work at that, no matter how hard it can be. Thanks, Kate, for being one of those people I can always count on to be her best self!!!

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  31. I can totally identify with this post, Ann, and thank you for sharing so honestly about how all this has been and is affecting you. I agree with many of your other readers that, although we can’t control another person’s behaviour or attitude, we can control ourselves and our reactions to whatever it is we’re dealing with. As for online disputes, I, too, stay away from them, choosing to back off from the situation rather than get embroiled in a disagreement. I like to be kind and treat people respectfully, but I will opt out if things become unpleasant. I don’t cope well with conflict at the best of times, so I would rather walk away than get caught up in it. I make a point of smiling at people when I’m on my way to town, but if people appear grumpy in return, I do stop and think that I have no idea what is going on in their lives, so I have no right to judge them as being unfriendly or standoffish.

    As for Covid, I appreciate how tough it was for you with your husband having cancer and am thankful he could continue his treatment throughout the pandemic. Over here, in the UK, very few people still wear masks. Even in doctor’s surgeries and hospitals, it’s not compulsory anymore. Although life is more or less back to normal here, the after-effects of the pandemic will last a very long time. I’m one of the rare ones who hasn’t had Covid (touch wood), although most people in my circle have had it. Thank you for sharing such a thought-provoking and interesting post, Ann x

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    • Thanks for that sweet comment, Ellie! People here aren’t wearing masks much anymore either, although almost all of the medical offices still require them. In some ways, I feel safer wearing one, and in other ways, I just hate wearing one! I think it is going to take a long time for us to learn to feel comfortable with each other again, after being forced to “socially distance” for so long. But we’ll get there, I do believe that. What I want to opt out of is the negative feelings and rudeness, etc. that the pandemic has brought out in so many people! That’s just not who I really am, and certainly not who I want to be. So all I can do is try to be my best self, even in these trying times. Thanks for getting what I mean! I really do appreciate that.

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  32. Well, Ann, once again I am behind on blogs. I just now read this one. I recently had an appointment with my kidney doc. They still have the mask sign on their door and reception window. However, the receptionist doesn’t wear a mask. It sure doesn’t encourage me to keep mine on during my visit there. Oh, well. I’ll take the high road. Bless you.

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    • I really think it is…if we don’t want this to be our new normal, we have to make an intentional decision to rise above it. We can get through this, but only if we make it our goal. I look forward to reading your post on Monday, because I really value your insights, Kathy!

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  35. Great article Ann. I totally agree. I also don’t want to become a crabby person. I’ve had the same thought process you have about being joyful and looking on the positive side of things. Thanks for sharing!

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    • Thanks, Kurt! I think it takes effort not to get sucked into all the negativity, but I also believe that effort is worth it. I’m with you….who wants to be crabby?

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  36. I appreciate your post. While I haven’t thought of myself as opting out, I have been “quietly quitting.” While I miss the go-go person I used to be and can’t quite figure out how I can be far less busy yet feel far more stressed, I trust that I will re-engage if/when the time is right.

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