Role Reversal

/ Ann Coleman

My mother asked me for money the other day.  She’s just had her hair cut, and had given the stylist the last of her cash.  My mother lives in a retirement complex and no longer drives, so she depends on her family to provide her with the supplies she needs, including a little bit of spending money.  So I call her when I’m at the grocery store to ask if she needs anything. I also make sure she has a supply of greeting cards to send out, and my husband and I usually shop for the presents she wants to give for family birthday parties.

I don’t mind doing any of it, and I know that I’m actually quite lucky that my mother, at age 91, is still independent in so many ways.  But when she asked me for the cash, I couldn’t help smiling a little.  I was remembering all those years when I was growing up and I was the one asking her or my father for money.  For some reason, that particular phone call made me see just how clearly our roles have reversed in recent years.  She used to be the one who took care of me, and now I (and my sisters) are the ones who are taking care of her.

I’m not going to lie, it felt weird when I first realized just how much my mother has come to depend on me.  In some way, I suppose, we never outgrow wanting to have our mother act like a mother.  We want our parents to express interest in our lives, to believe that, even after all these years, they still “have our backs.”  But I learned that what often happens as our parents age is that they gradually become uable to manage their own lives, much less help with their adult sons and daughters.  My mother was a talented seamstress and I always counted on her to alter my clothes, or even sew curtains for our house.  But she gave up sewing a few years ago, and now I use a tailor.

My mother loves living in her retirement community, knows most of the residents and participates in the many activities there.  But her interest in the world outside that community has definitely diminished.  She no longer reads her mail, pays her bills, or files her important paperwork, so I do all of that for her.  And I’m just fine with that.

I’ve learned, over these past few years, to stop worrying about the things she doesn’t do, and to simply be grateful for the things she still does do.  She’s always had an excellent singing voice and still sings in both her church choir and her community’s glee club.  She still calls me frequently, is always glad to see me when I stop by, and graciously allows me to help with her latest jig saw puzzle.  And she absolutely adores her three great-grandchildren.

IMG_5115What I’ve finally figured out is that the mother/daughter relationship isn’t stagnant.  It changes over the years, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  Yes, now I often care for the woman who once cared for me….but she’s still my mother, and I’ll do my best to treasure every minute I have left with her.

84 thoughts on “Role Reversal”

  2. Sounds like a loving relationship Ann. Just as your Mother used to give you an allowance as you were growing up, you now return the favour. So glad you still have that kind of relationship with your parent. Stay well. Allan

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  3. such a beautiful post, and so true! Cherish all the moments with your mom…I love seeing the picture of her with a great-grandchild. How wonderful is that? Wishing you blessings with your mother…

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      • We started my kids calling my Bubbie GG but they ended up calling her Bubbie just like the rest of us. While my mom was in hospice she started calling for her mom, my Bubbie, in her Alzheimer’s delirium. That was one of the hardest parts for me. There were more but like you I came to appreciate her presence, in even less than ideal form, as it came near the end. More on that in my blog.

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  4. As the saying goes, “once a man and twice a child” and we should consider it a blessing if we and our loved ones get that privilege to be a “child” again. Second great post I’ve seen about our aging moms today ❤️.

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    • Thank you so much! And yes, we really are privileged if we manage to make it to our “second childhood.” As are those who love us. Thanks for reading and commenting….very much appreciated!

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  5. This is such a beautiful post and really tug at my heart strings. I don’t particularly have the best relationship with my own mother, so this really brought out other feelings within me about our relationship. Thank you so much for sharing this with us in such a beautifully written way!

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    • I think relationships with parents are often complicated. My mom and I were never particularly close growing up, but I’ve found that now that she’s older, we’ve had the chance to get to know each other a bit better. I guess that’s one of the many gifts of aging: we get to see people in a new and different light!

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  6. What a sweet picture Ann! Life is a give and take isn’t it and you and family are giving her the opportunity to live in a meaningful way with your involvement and care.

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    • Thanks, Deb! That is our hope…that life can be positive and meaningful for her until the end. Whatever we do to help will be worth it if that is the case, I believe. And we know how lucky we are that she is so healthy at her age!

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  7. cheers and prayers to all mothers! she looks so lovely with the grandchild. thank you for this post, happy to read one of yours again ❤

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  8. Love this. Thank you. I’m closer than ever to my daughter, whom I’m seeing as fully adult: bright, compassionate, and incredibly competent. I’m sure your mom cherishes you dearly.

    Having lost my mother as a teen, this relationship is more important than ever. It’s healing and hopeful.

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    • I’m so glad, Joanna! My daughter and I were close as she was growing up, but now that she has children of her own, I do feel as if we’ve grown closer. And that’s such a gift! I’m so sorry about your own mother, but glad that you’ve had such a wonderful relationship with your daughter….I imagine that does help heal!

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  11. This brought tears to my eyes. You described my relationship with my own mother when she was in her 90s. I don’t need to say any more. You know.

    >

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  12. What a great picture. This is so timely for me. My great Aunt Esther sounds a lot like your mom. Esther is 102, going on 103, sold her house and went into an assisted living that she loves. However, all the stuff she did, like amazing baking, has stopped. Love what you said about the outside world. It must be freeing to let go of bills and regular things, to just live day to day. Love this so very much. Beautiful writing, as always.

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    • Thanks so much, Jessica! The letting go of the outside world seems to be common among people of that age, as I’ve read about it before. That did help prepare me for when it happened with my mom. There are times when I don’t particularly like it, but I’ve learned to accept it and be more appreciative of the ways she still does interact with her surroundings. And it really helps that she loves her retirement home!!

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    • Thanks, I will! And yes, it is normal…still, when it happens in your own family, it seems we’re surprised by it! Go figure. I think it’s like so much of aging. We were told how it would feel by our “elders” but we’re still surprised when the same thing happens to us. The good thing is, so many others can relate to caring for the parents who once cared for them, because you’re absolutely right about it being so common.

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  15. What a poignant post Ann, one that bright back so many memories of my last years with my wonderful, beautiful mum. It’s a surreal thing, that role reversal, but I guess the one constant is the love we all feel for each other. Cherish it all, as I’m sure you do. 🙏

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  17. I think that even if it did sting a bit not to be able to do the things she always did, your Mum would have felt safe turning things over to you. You give her dignity even as you care for her and that’s precious. Not all children realise how important a person’s dignity is, even in old age. So, even if it is a role reversal, maybe your mum might not see it quite that way by the way you love her; she might just see it as passing the baton to you so that she can move on to other fun things.

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    • That’s a very good point, Caitlynne! And we do try very hard to preserve her dignity and let her continue to do as much as she can (and wants to). I think it’s so important not to treat the elderly like children, even those who require a lot of care. They’re not children, they’re adults who really do deserve our love and respect. Thanks for your insightful comment!

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  20. For me, it is perfectly fitting that we need to give back to our parents the love and care that we once received from them. Reading your insight-filled post on the reversal of roles, I recall the Bible verse, “Honour your father and mother that all will be well with you.”

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  21. Beautiful post, Ann! Your mother’s situation sounds ideal. The whole subject of role reversal is something that really moved me when my parents were declining. I composed a song for my mother named “You Were There.” My favorite lyric lines in the song switch from past to present with:

    You were so strong, you picked me up when I fell down . . .
    Now I’m so strong, I picked you up when you fell down . . .

    I have a slideshow of this song dedicated to my mom on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAVYPyw_zFo&t=109s

    Your post is filled with gratitude and appreciation for your mom. It’s very touching and thank you for sharing!!

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    • Thank you for your comment and the link! I’ll check it out for sure. I love the lyrics that you shared, as they are absolutely spot on. In every family, it’s important for those who are strong to help those who are weak. Even when those roles shift and change, as they so often do. And in her own way, Mom still helps me too!

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  22. It is a blessing to be able to provide these services for your mom with love! I always feel so bad when I hear about situations where adult children live very far apart from their parents or have an unhappy relationship, so they don’t want to be there for them.

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    • I am very lucky she agreed to move to our city when my dad died 15 years ago. We found her a house nearby and she lived there happily for about 12 years before moving into the retirement home, which is also close by. Many people want to do more for their parents, but it’s impossible when you live so far away. As for not getting along, I can honestly say that my mom and I weren’t super close when I was young, but that’s not the point. And we’ve gotten closer in these past 15 years, because now we’re both adults and had the chance to get to know each other better. Thanks for your comment!

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  24. This is completely my experience these days. My mom is 87 and now our conversations are more me listening to her than the reverse. All my life she has been my sounding board, but not I’m hers. She also lives in a retirement community which has become her world. So my world and my issues (and her very progressive grandchildren) are too complicated for her and she struggles to follow my thoughts when I do share them. I’ve mourned that change but have finally accepted that this is the new relationship we have – it is a reversal but I hadn’t thought of it that way. Now it’s my chance to give her what she’s always given me.

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    • Believe me, I get it. It’s hard when your mom isn’t as supportive of you as she once was, as we all want that support from our parents. But as they age, they often turn more inward, away from a world and issues that they don’t really understand or have the ability to cope with. All we can do is accept it as the new norm, and take care of them to the best of our ability. Luckily, I have a daughter who I can talk to…along with many friends…and that helps make up for the loss!

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  25. Ann, your mom is blessed to have you to lean on in her “golden years.” I can totally relate to what you’ve written. My mom is 90+ and still lives at home. Her world is lots smaller than it used to be, but like you, I’m going to cherish whatever time we have left together. Sure, it’s hard feeling like I’m the mom and she’s the child, but how much worse it would have been to have lost her decades earlier. At least now we’ve made peace with the past and can make new, happy memories. Hang in there and know you’re doing the right thing!

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    • That’s exactly the point, Debbie, thank you! As hard as this new relationship can sometimes be, it’s still so much better than the alternative. We do get a chance to know our parents in new ways as they age. My mother-in-law spent her last three years in a nursing home, which was a challenge for her and the rest of the family. But we still got to see sides of her (and my father-in-law as he visited her there faithfully almost every single day) that we would have missed had she died younger. Those years were hard in some ways, but a gift in others.

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    • I think that’s rather sweet…it shows she knew just how much she could depend on you! But I’m sure it was odd to hear. I think that those of us who have experienced becoming a care-giver for our aged parents really understand in a way that those who have never done that simply can’t!

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  27. I went through this transition with my mother, and now a cousin is experiencing it with my only surviving aunt. It can be disorienting, and sometimes more than a little frustrating, but in the end it’s more than worthwhile. I know you’ll appreciate every moment you have, and enjoy most of them!

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    • You’re exactly right: sometimes it feels surreal, and sometimes it is frustrating. The way my mom take no responsibility for any decision now, big or small, is sometimes hard for me to accept, until I realize that she’s probably doing that because she doesn’t trust herself to make those kind of decisions anymore, and that she’s much more secure knowing I’m making them. And then I realize that I’m actually lucky to be around to do that for her, you know? In the end, it’s different, but not really such a bad thing.

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      • For five years, my mother and I lived on the same floor of the same apartment complex, but in different apartments. I was only a couple of minutes away when needed, and most of the time I was summoned to (1) fix the tv remote, or (2) find the missing [whatever]. I used to tell her that most people only have hot and cold running water, while she had hot and cold running daughter. We both laughed at that when I came up with the phrase, but it sure enough seemed true!

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  29. This is such a beautiful post Ann, a lovely testament to your Mom and the daughters she has raised. That role reversal is a very strange thing at first, then somehow we just naturally fall into the flow of assisting our parents just as they did for us in so many ways. Love the pic of her with her great-grandchild. Her smile speaks volumes!

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    • Thanks, Lynn! I was just talking to a friend about that this morning. The trick is to let go of the old relationship and simply accept the new one. Once I stopped expecting Mom to do the things that she can’t, or even won’t, do anymore, I found it so much easier to “go with the flow.” And our new relationship is still a good one, it’s just different!

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  30. This post resonated with me, Ann. After 3 yrs, I am settling into the role of being my 89 yr old mother’s keeper, this after a rather fraught relationship. I am farm-girl strong and will do what needs doing. There is definitely obligation connected to this role. I do want my mom to be safe and experience as much dignity as possible in her final days. Like the words say in Veronica Shoftsall’s After A While – with every goodbye, we learn.

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    • Yes, it’s a new role for sure, and not one that feels natural at first. My mom and I weren’t super close when I was growing up either, and I’m probably the least favorite of her three daughters. But I know that as my mother, she deserves my care, and not only because of all the times she’s helped me in my life. It’s just what family does for each other, I think. And the bonus is that sometimes, in these late years of our parents’ lives, we find the opportunity to become closer to them. At least that’s what happened to me, and I hope it happens to you and your mom, too!

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  31. No matter what and how much we try our best to do for our mothers, we can never ever compensate a single pain they bear being with a child. Salute to all moms.

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  33. Your post set me thinking about the relationships we have in the changing times. You are a very fortunate person to have your mother around perhaps an hour’s drive away. There is a school of thought that avers that what you receive from your parents can never be paid back to them, instead you invest that in your offspring, if possible with accrued interest, and the cycle goes on. As things stand though, parents tend to step into the shoes of your children when they cross a certain threshold. So take pride in whatever you do for her, whatever it means!

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    • You’re right about paying it forward to our own children, and that in many ways, our parents also become our children if they are lucky to live long enough. I think it can, and does, work both ways. We use the best of the parenting skills we learned from our parents on our own kids, and we also give them the care they need as their health begins to decline. I’ve always loved Amy Tan’s book, “The Opposite of Faith” about her relationship with her mother as she aged. Amy’s mother was a troubled woman, and their relationship hadn’t always been good while she was growing up. But as her mother became older and needier, they actually forged a new and very positive relationship when Amy stepped to the plate to care for her!

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  34. Thanks for sharing, Ann! I do love the photo of your mother with your granddaughter. She is fortunate to have you care so well for her, but it is “strange” (for a lack of a better word) at times to experience the role reversal and you miss the relationship that once was. Your words are wise, though, cherish every remaining minute. Take care!

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    • I’m not going to lie, it really is weird! The woman I leaned on as a child is now incapable of throwing away the expired food in her refrigerator, and that just doesn’t seem right. But I’ve discovered that the trick is to let go of the relationship we once had, and the expectations I have of her, and to simply embrace the new relationship we have now. Like it or not, I have to keep track of things for her these days. And really, it’s not something that is beyond my abilities, and it also gives us more time together than we’d have if she was still fully independent. So I just cherish the time I have with her and let go at that!

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  35. Ann, this is such a beautiful post and really pulled at my heartstrings. My Mum who I lost six years ago at the age of 86, had always supported me through all my trials and tribulations, illness and mental health issues. She was there for me through all the trauma in my life and while I was bringing young children and teenagers up too. As she got older, as with you and your mum, she became more dependent on me in all aspects of her life. She would pour her heart out to me when my father left her late in life just as I had during my early divorce. Although we lived miles apart, I would phone to check she was okay two or three times a day. Our roles had reversed and I was so honoured to be able to be there for her at this stage of her life. It was how it should be. You sound like you’re a true gift to your mum and I hope you have many more happy years together despite her age. The photo you shared is so touching – such joy and love so obviously shared there. I wish you, your mum and your wider family well. Ellie xx

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    • Thanks so much, Ellie! And I’m sorry for your loss. It’s always hard to lose a mother, but it’s even harder when you’re close to her….I’m sure that even six years later, you still feel it very strongly. I think that’s yet another reason to care for our parents as they age to the best of our abilities: when they are gone someday, it is comforting to know we did everything we could for them while they were still with us. I know I’m blessed that my Mom is still here, and I really do treasure my time with her!

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  36. Having aged parents is grand when dementia is not in the mix. My Mum has parkinsons and is 84 years living in a carehome as my Dad developed dementia and is no longer capable of caring for Mum nor himself. They both live in the same carehome. The hardest decision for me and my siblings was seeing them go into a carehome even knowing it was the best place for them. I too regularly phone Mum and see her weekly as we live in the same city. Neither Mum nor I need to see each other every day, Mum allowed us kids to have space to grow and explore and she still does.

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    • Yes, dementia adds a whole new perspective into caring for aging parents, and the same rules do not apply. My mom is getting more forgetful, but she is still herself. In his last year of life, my Dad began to suffer from some sort of dementia, but he wasn’t tested until he was hospitalized, and then he got too agitated for them to finish the brain scan, so we’ll never know exactly what the problem was. But he needed more care than we could give him, and was going to have to go into a care home if he hadn’t died before he could be moved. We all just do the best we can in the circumstances that we find ourselves in….I’m sorry about our parents, and know how hard that must have been.

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  37. So relatable, Ann. I’m doing this dance right now with both of my parents. We’re navigating the delicate path between dependence and independence as my parents slowly lose their ability to manage things on their own. It’s hard for both of us. I just stay in a good headspace and focus on love. Hugs.

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    • It can be so hard to find that balance! You want to provide the help they need, but you also don’t want to take away their dignity or make them feel bad for being so dependent. I’ve found that if I can think of little ways that Mom can also help me, that helps “restore the balance” in her mind. And yes, focusing on the love is ultimately the best way to cope!

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    • Thank you so much, Bev! I’ve come to think that caring for aging parents is just like caring for a newborn….we sort of figure it out as we go along. The important thing is just that we do our best and love them, I believe.

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