In the Mirror

/ Ann Coleman

I’ve always rather liked the old saying, “Love many; trust a few; always paddle your own canoe.”  It seems to pack a lot of advice in a few simple words, but like most things in this world, the real meaning is up to interpretation.  When I first read it, I believed the last few words referred to being self reliant, and not counting too much on others to take care of us.   And there is a certain amount of wisdom in that interpretation, as expecting others to meet our every need is bound to result in serious disappointment.  But the older I get, the more I see another meaning in those words that I believe is even more important.

“Always paddle your own canoe” can also mean refrain from paddling other people’s canoes.  And by that I don’t mean refrain from helping other people who are in need, as I sincerely believe that all of us have an obligation to help others as much as we possibly can.  That’s just a part of what it means to be human and to live in community.  What I do mean is that we need to refrain from trying to direct other people’s lives.  To use the canoe analogy, that means to refrain from telling other people how fast they need to paddle, what kind of oars they ought to be using, and which bodies of water they should navigate, etc.

Of course we all like our own ideas best, and I’m no exception.  In my heart of hearts, I probably believe that the world would be a better place if only everyone else thought and acted more like me, and I think that’s a belief that most of us share whether we’re aware of it or not.  The problem is that it has become far too fashionable to act on that belief, and to spend endless time and energy pointing out other people’s faults and trying to bring them in line with our way of thinking and doing.  A quick glance at social media is proof of that, with its endless posts that have basically the same message:  “my values are better than your values.”  Few of the posts actually come right out and say that, but the message is still there, loud and clear.

I’ve come to believe that if we’re really interested in making the world a better place, we need to start with ourselves.  Instead of spending quite so much time finding fault with other people, we need to take a good long look in the mirror and see how we can do better.  And then make the effort to actually be better.  And if we put even half the energy that we put into trying to change other people into improving ourselves, I think the results would be amazing, to say the least.

So, yes, I still like that saying about paddling your own canoe.  Because I really believe that if I can keep trying to paddle my canoe (as in live my life) as best as I possibly can, I just might end up doing some good in this world……

72 thoughts on “In the Mirror”

  3. What a great quote and your words are spot on too Ann. The world is full of people willing to tell others how to live but I’m a big believer in everyone finding their own way. Sending love and best wishes. 🙏

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  5. Hi Ann, that’s a really interesting interpretation of that quote. I really like the way you flipped that to not judging/controlling other people’s lives. I think about that with my nearly grown children and the advice I sometimes like to give out 😉

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  6. “In my heart of hearts, I probably believe that the world would be a better place if only everyone else thought and acted more like me, and I think that’s a belief that most of us share whether we’re aware of it or not. ”

    I tend to think that in your case this might be true, but this is an important observation. A person must consider that they could be wrong and honestly make a point of considering they are wrong. Thanks for another great post Ann.

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    • It is so very hard for us to realize that we don’t have all the answers, I think, because we know ourselves and trust ourselves the most. But I think it’s really important if we’re going to get along with others in this world. It’s sort of liberating to realize that we can only control ourselves, ultimately….and that the best we can do is to lead by example. Thanks, Joe!

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    • It is! And I think we do that by making sure we are open and tolerant first, especially to the people who bug us the most. Because if we give ourselves permission to “hate our enemies,” then we’ve given our enemies permission to hate as well, you know?

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  10. Great post Ann. I always try to live by the motto, “Offer no advice, unless asked.” We all need to work on ourselves, by being kind and being respectful. If everyone would do that, it would be a nicer world. People would still think differently, but they would respect others and their points of view, even if they did not agree with them. Social media has turned us into blamers and shamers, which is never good. We all think we can control everything around us, but most times, we only have the illusion of control in our own lives. Stay well and keep paddling. Allan

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    • I couldn’t agree more, Allan! If we all just took care of our own business and respected other people, it would be a much nicer world. Leading by example is always a good thing, I believe. And I do hate how social media has brought out the worst in humanity…blaming and shaming is rampant there, and very much encouraged. As if that will ever help!

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  11. Ohhhh canoe paddling is something I know plenty about! Yes, we have to seek our inner voices and guidance and plow ahead through the turbulent waters or just decide when to launch into the water! Depending on the canoe (one person or two) advice and cooperation could be needed but someone shouting from across the lake on how to paddle my boat is never appreciated!!! How about those who think the lake is their own personal property and everyone else should not be on it. Yup… as in normal life there are plenty of people that think we all should be listening to them and only them.
    Agreed, that we need to look inward first before jumping onto someone else’s boat.🚣‍♂️🛶

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    • I actually thought of you a lot when I wrote this post and for all the good reasons! First because you’re a tolerant and compassionate person, but mostly because you know more about canoeing than anyone I know. I even thought of asking for a photo of a canoe I could borrow for the post…LOL! But yes, cooperation between people is always a good thing. Unsolicited advice and direction rarely helps anyone. Thanks for the comment!

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  12. very wise analogy Ann … we nearly always try to direct others into our way of thinking. In most ‘debates’ ppl seldom listen, they are formulating their beliefs/words to make their point rather than listening to us expound ours. I am working on it!

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  13. On the other hand, while we often can’t control, there is a place for convincing. If someone’s trying to paddle their canoe with a tree limb rather than a paddle, it never hurts to point out a better way!

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    • I see what you mean, and agree that helping others is sometimes about pointing out a better way. The problem is that we all believe our way is the better way, and sometimes what we think is someone doing it wrong is simply someone doing it their way. For example, if the person with the tree limb is moving his canoe right along and happy with his progress,he probably won’t listen to advice about switching to an oar. If he’s stuck and struggling, then a simple offer of, “Here, try my oar and see if that works for you” is good.

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  14. You’ve hit n so many things that are just spot on. People spend so much time telling others how they’re supposed to think and act, and if you don’t agree with someone they must be wrong… what happened to individuality?

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    • Thanks! As you can probably tell, one of your recent posts inspired this one. The subject has been on my mind a lot lately, and your post pushed me to write about it. Sadly, I think individuality is fast becoming and extinct concept. You either agree with those who talk loudest, or you are silenced, one way or the other. And that’s not good for any of us.

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      • On Friday I’m going to talk about censorship and banning things and such….I don’t understand why some people think there is only one way to do something and the other way is wrong…

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  15. One of my favorite sayings, too. I remind myself of it all too often. The ‘trust few’ part is what sticks with me. I’ve always been a good canoe paddler, in the figurative sense. Fun post here.

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  16. I have not though about “always paddle your own canoe” as refrain to paddle others, and the more I think about it the more it makes sense and that the real meaning behind the quote is focus on your own life. Very interesting post, Ann!

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  17. While reading your inspirational post, I recalled the Bible verse, pointing to the need for self-examination and correction before judging other people. “First, take the log out of your own eye; then you can see how to take the speck out of your friend’s eye.”

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  19. I had to smile at the comment above…”Stay in your own lane.” I always told my children that when they were growing up. It is wise advice. This was an excellent post…so much wisdom here to reflect upon.

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  20. That is a humbling reminder for practising restraint in these chaotic times. Individual viewpoints will always be different and not necessarily incorrect. However, as highly evolved beings, there should be due consideration for the perspectives and needs of others and where they clash with ours. So, yes, let us paddle our own canoes.

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    • Yes, it is so hard when the needs and desires of other people clash with ours, and I think that is where the “paddle your own canoe” advice comes in especially handy. We always have to make adjustments for other people, but that is different from trying to force them to do things our way. In many ways, this pandemic has brought out the worst in humanity, I think. Thanks for your comment!

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  21. So very true! We all approach life differently. The attraction to want to steer everyone’s canoe is strong – we need to resist! I find that if someone wants help they ask. Even when a suggestion is offered many will do the opposite out of stubbornness and obstinacy which is not helpful for anyone!!

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    • It is so strong, and I fight that urge all the time. Especially where my children are concerned. If they tell me about a problem, I tend to assume they want me to fix it, and often all they really want to do is vent a bit. And as you say, sometimes unsolicited advice just encourages people to dig in their heels and do the opposite. Best just to let people know you’re willing to help if they ask for it, and meanwhile, work on our own issues, I think. Thanks for your comment!

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  23. I too Ann think the latter interpretation of the paddling is on target. It’s hard not to meddle, especially, if it’s someone we love; like our -or especially – kids. I think it’s interesting how over the years the saying’s meaning evolved for you. As we get older and have more life experiences we see the world through a different lens than the young invincible know-it-alls we once were. Take care.

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    • Oh, yes, my kids are where I have the strongest urge to direct and “show them the right path.” But they’re grown now, so the time for unsolicited advice and direction is over. And I love what you said about being a young invincible know-it-all! We all were, once, I think. The sign of real maturity is when we stop thinking we have all the answers!

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  24. I didn’t grow up with that saying, but it’s a good’un! I especially appreciate how the saying has matured with you over the years. Or, perhaps, it’s just that in today’s contentious climate, the second meaning seems to feel more appropriate?! Regardless, you make a good point: live and let live in matters that are none of our business, but help out when asked (especially if we’re the beneficiary of knowledge or skills the other person isn’t).

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    • I think it’s a combination of both. As we get older, we realize we don’t really know all the answers and that it’s arrogant and silly to think we do. And as I see more and more people who seem to have taken up permanent residence on their “high horses” I realize that the problem seems to be getting out of control! It’s so much easier to criticize other people than to try to fix our own faults, but I honestly believe the latter is a better way to make a positive impact, you know? And yes, we should always try to help when someone indicates they want or need our assistance!

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  25. “…refrain from trying to direct other people’s lives.” I really like the way you phrased that. It is what I like the least about some of my Facebook friends posts. All those memes and other ‘motivations’ that tell me how I should think, feel and act. Of course, maybe other people think I am telling them what to think and do in my blog posts (which I share on Facebook because that is one of my notification tools.)

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    • I know! It’s my least favorite part of Facebook. So many of the memes seem intended to ridicule those who are different, or to show off how superior the poster’s values are. And I get so tired of seeing them….. I have never liked being told what to think or feel, and I’m sure not going to take my directions from a silly Facebook meme! But I know what you mean about sharing our blogs on Facebook. I provide a link to my blog on there, too, mostly because I have readers who don’t follow it but simply wait for the new post on Facebook. I do think that’s why I try to stay away from controversial topics on my blog, and write mostly about my own personal experiences and growth….I don’t want to use my blog to try to bully others into doing things my way!

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  26. I think that folks have forgotten etiquette. It’s simply rude to enforce your opinion on someone else, if they haven’t asked for your opinion. My Nana was very fond of the saying, “If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all”. All that said, I don’t have any children but I might have been prone to giving unwanted advice – at least the various cats cared not!

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    • Yes, I think it’s hardest to resist giving unsolicited advice to our children, even when they’re all grown up. But I’m working on it! And I agree that it is rude to force our opinions on others. If someone asks what we think, then we should tell them. But if they don’t ask, they probably don’t want to know. Thank goodness for our pets….we can lecture them all we want and it doesn’t mean a thing!

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    • I think that is a very wise way to use what little spare time you have! And sometimes I think that those who spend the most time and energy trying to coerce others into their way of thinking and doing things really just have too much time on their hands…..

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    • I agree! And there is such a thing as leading by example, I believe. I know that the people who have influenced me the most haven’t “told” me what to do or believe. They’ve simply done what they think is right, and I learned by watching them.

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  29. Great post! Long ago a good, in my 20’s and 30’s, a good friend and I would often say “If only they would listen to us, their lives wouldn’t be such a mess”. I think we all feel that way sometimes. As I get older, I am more focused on the self improvement aspect rather than try to fix others.

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    • Thank you! And I know what you mean, because I was the same way when I was young. That’s the age when we think that if others just followed our advice, all would be well…. Now I know better, usually. But I still find myself trying to push my nose into other people’s business more often than I should, and when I do, I remember that saying and go back to working on my own issues!

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  30. I like your interpretation much better, Ann, though the other one is valuable too. I’m not on social media for the very reasons you mentioned. And I agree, if we all just tried to “paddle” our own lives with as much skill and grace as we can, the world would be a better place.

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