Embracing Diversity

wedding pic 2I have never been known for following current trends, mostly because I am usually so hopelessly out of touch that I have no idea what the current trends even are.  But I have noticed that the term “diversity” is a popular one right now, as in “celebrate diversity,” “embrace diversity,” and similar slogans.  The gist of it is that diversity is a good thing, and that we need to let go of our natural tendency to want to associate mostly with those people who are just like us and start sharing our lives with people who are often very different from us.  And I have to say that this is one trend that I am right on top of, because I have been “living with diversity” for over thirty five years now….ever since the day that I married my husband.

Obviously, there many core values that my husband and I share:  we have the same morals, the same commitment to family, the same sense of humor and the same work ethic.  We also both like a clean house and are masters at the art of worrying.  But I am a minimalist who feels very uncomfortable around clutter, and have a strong compulsion to organize all my possessions.  My husband has many gifts, but the ability to organize his many possessions is not one of them.  My books are shelved according to their author; the money in my wallet is arranged in ascending value with all the bills facing the same way; my clothes are hung in my closet according to color and category.  My husband’s closet is hodgepodge of clothes, shoes, tools, store receipts and random knick knacks.  Once I even found a hammer in his underwear drawer.

I am a writer and avid reader, while my husband prefers to watch movies for entertainment.  He’s an athlete and a sports enthusiast who regularly follows all his favorite teams, and I can tell when a game is not going well because I can hear him yelling at the TV, even when I’m on a whole different floor of the house.  I enjoy going to a Cardinals game now and then, but otherwise, I find professional sports to be rather boring and have a hard time caring much which team wins.  (If any of the professional athletes were sharing their salaries with me, then I would care very much about whether or not they were having a successful season.)

We came from different states, different types of families, different religions, and we have very different strengths.  He’s a natural at numbers and all things financial, while I struggle with anything beyond the most basic math.  I am most comfortable expressing myself through the written word, whereas he sometimes asks for my help when he’s composing a simple business letter.  And yet we make it work.

IMG_0545I think the key to successfully “living with diversity” is understanding that we aren’t going to change each other.  I am no more going to convince my husband that he needs to keep his tools organized according to my standards than he is going to convince me that my spices don’t have to be arranged alphabetically on the spice rack.  (Because, of course, they do.)

I admit that deep down, I think I would prefer it if my husband would change a little so that he could be more like me.  But it doesn’t work that way.  If I want to stay in a close and loving relationship with him, I have to accept him just the way he is, and count on him doing the same thing for me.  And I think that’s what “embracing diversity” is really all about:  learning to let people be who they really are without trying to change them into becoming more like us.  It’s not always easy, but after thirty-five years of marriage, I can honestly say it is worth the effort.

25 thoughts on “Embracing Diversity

  1. Yep, I think “we aren’t going to change each other” is the key insight here. It took me a while to realize this after my wife and I first got married. The next thing was to do decide how to respond to the fact. I think the happiest marriages are likely to be the ones where the partners just embrace their diversity.

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    • Yes, I think we just have to take people as they are. Of course, we can choose to change ourselves, if we want to. But I don’t think we can change others, and a marriage based on the premise that we’re going to mold our spouse to meet our expectations is probably doomed. But I have to say, my husband and I learned early on that separate closets are a must!!!

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  2. I’d ask if this were true, but I think I know the answer already. Of course, one of you ended up a bedroom closet during the night, right?

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  3. Wonderfully said. You had some key things such as morals, family, humor which are so important. Sounds like you picked right. I heard it said at worship today that women adapt and that men don’t change so pick your relationships wisely.
    Great read Ann!

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    • Thank you, George! It just occurred to me that it’s so very easy to say “embrace diversity.” But a little bit harder to actually live it. And my marriage is “exhibit A” in that one! And yet we are quite happy together….

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      • Yeah…now that you mention it, Ann, she has been giving more than the usual attention to that computer. I used to think it was just because she heard me yelling at the TV screen because the Giants had just blown another lead, and she wanted to avoid “boring ball” as she calls it. Excuse me, Ann, but I’m off to peak over my wife’s shoulder.

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  4. I really enjoyed this.

    It’s rather timely that I’m reading it today since out of the blue someone asked me on a coffee date earlier and I’m still puzzled as to why he asked at all!

    I’m 16yrs older (although he couldn’t tell which is certainly an ego boost for me), we’re of different ethnicities (which is not a problem for me at all but I was surprised it wasn’t an issue for him — he being visibly Jewish and me being of the assumption that they stuck to their own kind). We exchanged a bit if conversation as I intentionally hesitated to give him my number and I was surprised at how easily our thoughts flowed. There was no beating around the bush and for once it felt great to just tell it like it is, “Hey this is me, I don’t have much to offer so it’s up to you to proceed at your own risk!” I said everything I could to discourage his interest in me since in my jaded state (overcoming a bad marriage) I couldn’t see us being compatible at all but he still asked for my number anyway! Oh well, only time will tell how this will all unfold. Perhaps he was just being nice by taking my number anyway, perhaps I will never hear from him again. But at least I can say I had an interesting day full of stimulating conversation. I love diversity it’s just refreshing to know others do too. 🙂

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