I was talking to a friend the other night, and she told me that there is an actual personality type called an “obliger.” I’d never heard the term before, and my spell check doesn’t recognize it as a legitimate word, but she said it refers to people who try to please others and are generally willing to do whatever it takes to make other people happy. She went on to say that every once in a while, people who are “obligers” get fed up with trying to please other people and can become, at least temporarily, very uncooperative, stubborn, and angry. And boy, can I relate to that!
Like so many women (and some men), I have always had a hard time saying “no,” even to things that I really don’t want to do. I don’t want to let anyone down; I don’t want anyone’s feelings to be hurt, and I feel a strong obligation to help anyone who asks for my help. And of course caring about other people and wanting to help them however we can is a good thing…our world would be a much worse place if we all just took care of ourselves and ignored the needs of those around us. The problem, I think, is knowing where to draw the line between taking care of ourselves and taking care of other people.
And personally, that’s where I struggle. One of my duties at the local Humane Society is to train new volunteers, and I’ve probably mentored about two hundred people over the years. I really don’t like doing it anymore, but we always need more volunteers and the only way to get them is to train the new people, so I keep at it. I try my best to be patient and cheerful as I teach them the ins and outs of handling shelter dogs, but sometimes I worry that the person I’m mentoring can sense my resentment at having to spend so much time training them rather than just walking the dogs, which is what I really want to do. And if they can, and their introduction to the Humane Society is dealing with my crabby and impatient self, am I really doing any good?
I think that’s the problem with being too quick to do what others want me to do, even when I’d much rather not. I tend to over-commit in almost all areas of my life, and that sometimes leads to me being so stressed and resentful that I’m not really helping other people at all, and I’m certainly not helping myself. As the old saying goes, “If you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one.”
I am slowly learning to try to find a balance between taking care of the needs of other people and taking care of myself. I do like helping other people, and I think it is very important to do that whenever I can, but that doesn’t mean I have to automatically say “yes” to every request that comes my way. If I really want to make a positive impact on the world around me, then I need to make sure that I have some time to recharge my batteries, and to do the things that feed my soul. Because I can’t do a good job of taking care of anyone else if I don’t make sure I take care of myself as well.